Not What It Seems
‘What’s that window doing there?’ I asked. ‘It’s not really a window,’ the brickie told me. ‘It’s more of a vent.’ I said nothing. ‘So...
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JESSICA DETTMANN
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jdettmann
May 29, 20171 min read
i carry your snot with me (i carry it in my bag)
i carry your snot with me (i carry it in my bag) i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my snotfaced dear; and whatever is blown...
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jdettmann
May 15, 20174 min read
Hashtag Mother’s Day
Just before dawn yesterday I had one of those very special nightmares where you wake, unable to breathe from the horror, saying to...
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jdettmann
May 3, 20173 min read
Stealth Health Ninja
It turns out this writing a book lark is harder than it looks and, like so many things in life, not made easier by having two small...
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jdettmann
Apr 10, 20173 min read
How to Make Terrible Gnocchi
The pesto would have been better tossed with small snails than with the gnocchi I made. I know I have a tendency to toot my own horn on...
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jdettmann
Mar 7, 20173 min read
The Bullshit Filibuster And Other Surefire Ways To Drive Your Sibling Mad
My children have picked up on that and helpfully compensated to bring my overall happiness down to neutral. Both of them are still...
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jdettmann
Feb 22, 20174 min read
Contact High
That, of course, is when then the gods strike you down. That is when you all come down with a virus and the teacher sends home a bunch of...
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jdettmann
Feb 14, 20173 min read
Romance Club
In the past I have been very bad at giving Valentine’s Day gifts to H, which is a great shame because he is far more romantic than I am...
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jdettmann
Oct 25, 20164 min read
The Man Who Had No Birthdays
Someone’s kid has an extendable arm that only comes out when there’s a chocolate fountain. Handy. May Blossom turned six on the weekend...
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jdettmann
Sep 22, 20164 min read
Leave No Bag Behind
My suitcase, in disgrace It’s my fourth day in Finland and I know three words. They’re same three words I knew before I got here. Sauna,...
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jdettmann
Sep 15, 20164 min read
Terrible Syncing Feeling
This useless slack-jawed snake will not do its job. I swear to Odin, the first thing I am going to do when I get to Scandinavia is go...
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jdettmann
Mar 23, 20163 min read
A Hot Cross Son for Easter
This week he has been brought to howling tears by many and varied injustices. There was the fact that I would not go under the house to...
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jdettmann
Dec 21, 20153 min read
Life’s A Treat
Last week Garnet turned three. He’s not a hundred per cent ok with that. The boy has a complicated relationship with the ageing process....
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jdettmann
Apr 17, 20152 min read
The Mysterious Chocolate Cookies of Misery
I made the cookies using an amalgamation of recipes on the internet, which I found by googling ‘cacao almond cookies’. They all contained...
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jdettmann
Apr 15, 20152 min read
How Funny? Pants-Off Funny
Benny Hill is a cultural reference that is on its last legs, I’d say. I only recall it vaguely from my childhood, mostly because it...
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jdettmann
Apr 8, 20152 min read
20 Things I Should Probably Have Explained To The New Babysitter
When Garnet says he wants to wear a dress, he means it. Unless he is talking about a T-shirt, which I have taken to calling dresses in an...
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jdettmann
Feb 18, 20153 min read
Shut Up, If You Please
One night I let things escalate horribly. I was so tired of being shouted at and told I was very, very mean, when really I am only a bit...
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jdettmann
Mar 5, 20142 min read
Games for Rainy Days
Others are more prosaic. Take ‘Molly Drops Her Phone’. In this game, May Blossom is Molly. Molly takes my phone, puts it in her handbag...
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jdettmann
Aug 24, 20133 min read
Upstairs Downstairs
The state of the carpet on the stairs is too shameful to photograph, so here’s a picture of Garnet in a massive hat instead. Our new...
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jdettmann
Jan 22, 20135 min read
‘Les Misérables’, Or The Chairs That Ate Paris
Worth dying for? WARNING: This post contains movies spoilers and is as long as the film. Thanks, everyone, for the lovely feedback on my...
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